| All I Feel Is The Wind On My Face As I Fly Through The Sky |
[Saturday
May 24th At 8:30PM] |
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mood |
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 peaceful |
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music |
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Journey//Don't.Stop.Believing |
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I went into melt down mode last night. I'm so worried about Dominic Gravina, my head feels like it's spinning sometimes. I barely know him and his accident put a damper on my spirits. Adam knows the story so there was no point in going over all that shit with him over again so I went to the next closest to me, my shoulder to cry on so to speak... I texted Pete, around 1 AM and told him I needed to talk to him, and he should logg on. So he did. and I vented, I bawled. God. You'd've thought Dominic was my best friend the way I cried. But I felt better afterwards, relieved I guess you could say.. Then we had this lil talk.. Me: You ever wish you could fly?
Pete: every day, expecually when im on a plane
Me: No, I mean wish you had wings and could just fly off every once in a while to just sit somewhere beautiful and peaceful and just think, or clear your head?
Pete: yes thats what im saying
Pete: well said Followed by him showing me his tattoos.. I complained that no one seems to have time to draw mine, and he asked me to explain it and what not, and he said he'd talk to someone. My response to that was "If you weren't married I'd kiss you on the mouth!" haha. I would've. I've been waiting for this tattoo for 2 fucking years. heh. Then we got into some discussion about if I walked up to Jake And Henri when we got to Nevada and kissed them on the lips (like a peck) and how his mother would kill me for kissing Jake. Then he dropped this FUCKING BOMB on me saying something along the lines of mom knows about everything. Jesus christ. I started shaking because I was scared that his mom might like secretly want to kill me now.. Somehow that discussion lead to us. Our break up. My thing with Jake. And I put two and two together.. If I hadn't been messing with Jake when Drew's recruiter came over, and she'd never made that comment, I really think, with time, things would've ended more respectfully. My heart broke last night, almost as bad as it did the night I broke up with him. It's easy to cast blame on your ex because you never want to admitt you're wrong. But I honestly never saw this angle, I never noticed how badly I fucking hurt him before we ever parted. Christ. I wish he'd have like punched me or something cuz that would've been better than feeling this immense guilt of realizing my blindness, my stupidity really is the reason for the end of us. I thought it was loss of love, or too controlling or too hard. No. It was me. My stupid fucking playful flirtiness that I never notice, was the end of it. I don't regret us breaking up. I'm so happy with Adam. He's amazing and perfect for me, almost too perfect. And Pete has Tara, and they seem unbelieveably happy together, and he deserves someone who will love him unconditionally. I just really wish I hadn't hurt him and myself.... Somethings take time to realize, I guess this was one of them....
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[Saturday
February 16th At 11:28PM] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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It amazes me what used to seem like such a big deal or such a horrible thing we can look at now and laugh.
Yesterday was a good day, even if it ended on a bit of a sad note. I owe you for that, you've always been able to make things better. Kinda weird. I've missed how things used to be. *sighs*
After talking to him.. I realized just how much I really do love Adam in comparison to my past.
<3<3<3<3<3
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| A.Pebble.In.The.Water.Makes.A.Ripple.Effect.Every.Action.In.This.World.Will.Bear.A.Consequence. |
[Tuesday
June 19th At 12:06PM] |
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mood |
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music |
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The.Red.Jumpsuit.Apparatus//Face.Down |
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I'm happy. I'm happier than I thought I would ever be. When I'm with him my world feels perfect and secure and I am safe. I am so safe that I can fall asleep in his arms and have the most peaceful, tranquil dreams anybody could have. I love him. I love him with all of my being. He's amazing and sweet and charming and funny and a great guy. He's perfect. I don't think I would be able to handle it if we ever parted. I Love Him More Than Anybody Will Understand. He's the greatest thing to ever happen to me....
So why is it, when he's not with me, when we're not on the phone, I feel completely alone? I feel like I have no body anymore.... I hang out with a small amount of people, I closed myself off, I have my security blanket and I feel lost without them. I did the same thing before and ended up isolated, lost, alone and heartbroken. I don't know what to do though. I don't want to go to people and be like "oh yeah, sorry I took our friendship for granted and basically abandoned you after I got comfortable with my boyfriend, but all of that aside, let's be friends again!" Who the hell would trust that? Who would want to be friends with somebody like that? Gawd. I suck as a person/friend lately. Jesus. I just, I don't get it. How can I be so happy at one point, but completely miserable on another? I don't understand it...
I Miss Amila, Jeremy D., Jeremy W., Eric, Scott, Jake, Drew, Henri, Even Pete in small, small way. I just, Those are the people I was sooooooo close to before and I just, I don't even know what's going on in there lives anymore, I don't even talk to them anymore and It just..It sucks. I hate it. I hate it so much. It just, it tears me apart to know I had people so close to me and I just pushed them so far away because I didn't know what to do with them. I had them when I needed people right there to feel like I wasn't alone, and then I just.. God I'm such a fucked up shitty person. God Damn. I just. I'm so sorry guys. I'm so sorry I suck and I didn't stick around. I mean christ.
Everytime I hug Amila she cries, Jeremy D doesn't even talk to me anymore, Jeremy W Doesn't either and I miss him, I miss him so much, I haven't talked to Eric since his birthday party and I just, I miss him, I miss how goofy he is and how he always made me laugh my ass off when I needed it, but he set me straight when I was going off course, same with Scott, Jake is leaving for ALASKA in September and last time I talked to him he hung up on me, Drew is gone, he's off in the army or w/e arleady, Henri thinks I have aproblem with him for some reason, and I don't I miss him, so much, I mean, in a way he took care of me for sooo long he would go out of his way to make me smile and Pete, I talk to him every once in a while when he is online but it's just awkward. I dunno
I really don't know..
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| Wipe That Smile Off Your Fuckin' Faceeee |
[Wednesday
April 11th At 10:09AM] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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Random FOB |
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Gawd it's been forever.
I forgot about this thing for a loooooong time. Holy crap.
Things are..better. Much better.
Feb~Adam and I got back together..the 3rd. we ended up goin to scotts for the superbowl party thing, buncha snow days, him and I spent the night there twice. Very interesting. He's the first guy to ever surpise me with his actions. Example: How many guys could be in bed with their drunk girlfriend, about to have sex, and stop and be like "We should wait, it's too soon"?? I don't think many could. I think that's part of the reason why I like this relationship so much, it's not sex right off the bat. There's so much more to it. Also, another thing I learned, that I love, is I can fall asleep in his arms. I've never been able to do that. I tried it with Pete, and I couldn't. When pete spent a weekend here, him & I slept on seperate sides of the bed. I would kill Adam if he slept on the other side of the bed. uh..what else has happend?
March..We got caught skipping, he was grounded for a week, but his mom still loves me. I got caught skipping again one day, but his mom doesn't know that and my rents got over it. I didn't get to go to City Club for Amy's birthday, and I feel bad about that.
I didn't get anything for Easter from my rents, but Adam bought me an Easter Lily... It was cute.. I Guess when we were at the store I pointed out that I thought Easter Lilies are beautiful so he bought me one lol :D..... I found out yesterday my Easter gift comes in July hehe. Harry Potter book =D..... For our two month Adam bought me Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. I FUCKING LOVE THAT BOOK! I gave him the Fall Out Boy CD,, *Shitty trade cuz I made the FOB CD on my comp.* We gave him & his family a copy of Happy Feet for Easter.
I've been spending alot of time with Amy & Kasey. I like weekends when Amy doesn't have to work cuz we go to the cemetary and last time we got up the nerve to get out of the car and walk around.... hehe. We're such weirdos. But it's fun. We enjoy ourselves. I like spending time with them.... It's fun. =) heh.. uhm..what else.... We try to hang out with Jeremy (J-Weewy) more often, we saw him a few days ago, I just wish it was on better circumstances. eh.. I hope things are better...... I got to meet Jeff Hardy.. which was Amazing. I love Racael for bringing Adam & me with her.... She found out I get car sick (I had to lay down the whole way there and back lol).... uhh...... I haven't really been sad in a long time, well, cept the one day, Stephanie Besko called Adam's cell phone and it scared me, I thought she was gonna start her shit again.
Adam asked me to prom (lol like it was assumed? but it was cute none the less) I got my dress yesterday.. It's pretty cute.
Kay I'm done :D
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| Wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.... |
[Monday
January 29th At 4:44PM] |
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mood |
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confused |
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music |
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Random Fall Out Boy && Panic! At The Disco =) |
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Soooo yeah
Today was my first day with my classes switched around on blue days
I have Robin in 3rd, 5th, 7th & 8th now rofl. Poor girl.
I sit next to Adam in 7th.. Go figure.
I don't have to do anything yet so I just sit there while Muschong dictates
I had this like panic attack thing..
I was trembling..
I kinda cowered away from him, too
Then, I dunno, Amanda & Ally were sitting by us
He wasn't really talkin so eventually I put my hand on his shoulder
and he joined in the conversation after that *shrugs*
It was an interesting class..
I dunno..
I guess I'm just sort of awkward around him..
I was also very sleep deprived
and like hallucinating
And had like Armageddon scenes playing through my head.
We were arguing about something..
I think it was about me finding somebody better than him
and I said something about if it was true than he could find someone better than me to be his best friend
He gave me this look like "yeah right" and said somethin like
"You're so different than other people.. There's no one else out there like you.." or something like that.
I just looked at him and told him to stop lying lol.
Aren't I so nice?
I was on the phone with him for an hour or so after school..
Random converstaions.
He's never seen Armageddon.
I told him he's comming over sometime this week to watch it.
And four brothers.
We went downstairs after 7th block and I saw Gery
He asked how I was and I said I was alright and asked if I told him Adam & Steph were going out
He goes "Who?" I go "Stephanie... Besko.." Hes like "Who??!!! Cuz last I heard he wasn't dating no stephanie he was dating WHORE!!!"
and I'm cracking up and ask "Well, who was he dating before whore?"
" Amazing! God like... A goddess!!" lol
I was like heck yess!
I realized that If there was another Gery in the world that wasn't inlove with Stacey, I would be inlove with him. lol
I wrote this stupid little list thing the friday of exams..The 19th..
Amy & Kasey said it sounds like Adam.
The first line is "I Want A Boy Who..." and one of the lines says "Will love my hair curly or straight."
I realized I hate Adam. lol
We fought, a few times, about how my hair looks shitty curly. and how he thinks its cute or looks good w/e.*rolls eyes* lol.
I don't like that I rely on him so much to smile.
and I really don't like how much I want to hang out with him..
Cuz I can't be around him all the time.
We're friends, and that's allw e're gonna be.
It's just a matter of time before I'm pushed aside, right? *shrugs*
I dunno..
I gotta back off him quite a bit.
I don't want to deal with being shattered again.
In forensics we did this thing with colors..
Orange - Amy - Someone you'll never forget (true)
Yellow - Amila - A True friend (true)
Red - Adam - Somene you love(false)
White - Jeremy D - Your soulmate/Someone who knows you really well(true)
Green - Kasey - Someone who will teach you about yourself.(true?)
Blah.
Can't always be right, eh?
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| Esco & Koda fought yesterday and my dog is all cut up/beat up. Poor dog |
[Sunday
January 28th At 1:11PM] |
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music |
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Save The Last Dance on T.V |
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Okay, so the last entry was kinda pointless....
Adam & I broke up
Him and Stephanie started dating yesterday
Kasey & I went over there and we watched Varsity Blues
Jake is now my favorite lol.
I am over my shyness with talking to Josh I guess
Adam and I had a talk..
I told him sometimes I think him and Pete get together and plot how they're gonna fuck with me..
He gave me this look of seriousness, hurt and anger and said "You know that's not true. You have to know this kills me too."
I told him I'm nervous about being his friend because of what happend before,
I didn't really tell anyone but it really did kill me that listened to her and we stopped talking and everything before.
I couldn't believe he did it.
He said he couldn't believe he did it either because I'm his best friend, and he won't let it happen again.
He already told her that we were still going to be friends,
we were still going to be friends regaurdless of what her friends say, it's not like that with us.
I told him the timing was fucked up, becuase the moment he did that was when I was relying on him most,
the equivelent would've been if he came to me when him & Steph broke up all hurt and upset, needing help
and I told him I couldn't talk to him or anything because Pete said so.
He brought up something about me not hanging out with people or w/e cuz I was waiting to call Pete
I told him it was a stupid mistake, but it wasn't like I could go anywhere anyway, everyone was gone.
When he told me about him telling steph we were still talkin & what not, he kinda raised his voice to me, which caught me off gaurd..
I want to believe him. I want to. I do inside. I really do. But I have this huge fear of him screwin me over again.
I don't want to be fucked over again. I told him that. I just don't know what's going to happen.
I don't know.
I wonder what his mom thinks of me though.
When we were talking I was sitting on his lap.
It was the easiest way to talk....
The Ipod thing was playin, Kasey was playing Resident Evil 4
So yeah.
I dunno.
I mean it wasn't really like that.
But I mean, when she came out I was really close up on his lap and Kasey was leaning in
We were watching the video for Miss Murder.
He started bouncing his knee when she walked out, it looked funky
but it was funny. lol. He was like "does that bug you?"
"....Honey, I told you, I like musicans. Alex used to use me as a drum set."
He laughed at me.
Then we started gettin' ready to leave
And his phone rings *He was in the bathroom*
We were going to answer it but it was Stephanie
She calls back a minute or two later
He goes "Really? Want me to come out there? okay. Bye"
and Kasey & I are cracking up.
Doubled over laughing.
He goes outside and we're left sitting there.
Eventually we went in Jakes room and had him go check the hallway to see if they were standin' there or somethin'
Cuz we had to go, we were gonna sneak out
Then Jake called him as he was on his way in lol
amusement
Then on the way out we had a discussion about inviting her to one of our parties and cooking her
Or using her as firewood or something. lol
ugh.
Good times.
I just don't want shit to be fucked up..
I dunno
My feelings are..confusing.
I go from happy and just Ahh!
To this sinking depression
It's shitty
I don't know what to do.
My away message lately has just been:
I want to burst into flames
I want to curl up in a ball and die
I want to bawl my eyes out
I want to be sliced into a milion peices
I want....to just feel normal again.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I'm hurt by this
I'm sorry I'm not what you want
I'm sorry I'm not what makes you happy.... I'm sorry all I seem to want to do is be in your arms where I no longer belong.
And that's how I feel most of the time.
I just..
I feel bad for him
Because like.. last night when we were leaving he's like "sooo, I'll call you when I get home tomorrow.."
"Oooh, hangin out with steph?"
"I'm going to her little sisters surprise party.. Her family really really likes me..."
"Ya know, you don't have to call, Adam."
"I know.. But I want to.."
"Okay then.. I'm holding you to it this time, then! hah"
Gawd.
How do you think that feels?
Maybe like having two girlfriends?
It has to suck.
His best friend hates his girlfriend, his girlfriend hates his best friend.
He can never hang out with his girlfriend and friends at the same time.
lol.
He picked me up too..fag. lol
Uhm...what else..
We argued over the whole me being beautiful/cute thing.
I told him everything he said while we were dating is considered a lie.
He said he wasnt
I mocked him saying "I feel like i'm the luckiest guy in the world." and started laughing
He said he felt that way, but then just got confused..
It was cute.
Honest.
Sweet.
I dunno.
He's my best friend, and that's all he'll be. I want it to be that way I guess, even though I liked it better when it was more than that.
*shrugs*
I told him to do what made him happy. Obviously that is her.
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[Wednesday
January 24th At 6:32AM] |
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mood |
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happy |
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Amila and I had this talk last night after I got off the phone with Adam..
He's so.. Nice, and sweet, and cute. It blows my mind that I ended up with him and it's only been a few days.. and just.. I don't know.. half the things he says if any other guy said it I would be like "oooooh great, another sweet talker.. Just what I need" and I told him that and he was like "But I'm not, I'm being honest. I'm not trying to be a smooth talker or anything" and I believe him. That's the weird part. I believe him without a doubt in my mind.
LoStLoOkInFoRu: Like, I dunno, I'm so like.. I dunno, I'm in this thing where I am like Pinch me I'm dreaming, I can't believe this is actually happenging.... and he's so freakin cute about it
disintergrationx: shush.
disintergrationx: lol...your ...dumb :-)
disintergrationx: and in love.
disintergrationx: sooooooo accept it.
disintergrationx: stop questionoing it.
disintergrationx: embrace it.
LoStLoOkInFoRu: I dunno about the inlove part, but, jesus, if he keeps talkin to me like that, I will be
disintergrationx: you know what i mean.
disintergrationx: you've only been goin out like...four dys..
disintergrationx: if that.
LoStLoOkInFoRu: Like, not to be stupid, but have you ever been in a relationship that just for some reason you thought it was like, I dunno, you think you might be feeling too much and you think they're just amazing, but then again you wonder if they see it as youre their friend you guys go well together, kinda thing idk.. but shit.
LoStLoOkInFoRu: I'm at a loss for words
LoStLoOkInFoRu: sorry
LoStLoOkInFoRu: I'll stop
disintergrationx: Jeremy..
disintergrationx: and me.
disintergrationx: thats how i felt.
disintergrationx: im gonna say this once.
disintergrationx: and only once.
disintergrationx: if you feel like that. dont doubt anything, keep that, and fight for it. for as long and as hard as you can.
disintergrationx: because, you dont come across that everyday. and when its gone.
disintergrationx: it's worse than anything you will have ever felt in your life.
disintergrationx: i kid you not. and that feeling of hollow.
disintergrationx: will never be filled by anyone. competely. maybe just partially.
disintergrationx: so...just...seriuosly...embrace it..
LoStLoOkInFoRu: *nods* I will.. and I'm sorry..
disintergrationx: you can talk to me about how you feel, at anytime...but I will basically tell you that everytime....because this time, I dont have to imagine how you feel. I know.
LoStLoOkInFoRu: But talking about it with you makes me feel like I am rubbing something in your face..and that isn't fair. I know what it is like to feel hollow, I felt it, but mine wasn't as deep as yours I guess, or maybe I was just too young, I don't know.. But I know it hurts to have someone else have what you had
disintergrationx: LoStLoOkInFoRu (9:33:23 PM): Like, not to be stupid, and dont say that please. you'redefintly not stupid.
LoStLoOkInFoRu: *nods* okay
disintergrationx: and dont feel like your rubbing it in my face...because everything that happend to me was my fault...and you, should be very happy. i am happy for you.
LoStLoOkInFoRu: *hugs*
disintergrationx: *hugs*
disintergrationx: but i am sad for you and johnny.
LoStLoOkInFoRu: I don't know how he did it, Amila.
LoStLoOkInFoRu: I don't know
disintergrationx: because...the way things happend with you guys, it shouldnt have been like that....like...he told me he doesnt want to u anymore..
disintergrationx: i was like...im sorry...i didnt know your side of the story..
disintergrationx: but basically they match, he just left out that he bitched atyou...
disintergrationx: theres something about johnny...he is very pushy, and...he doesnt see it....because he thinks hs like on this great quest to find love...but he needs to like...know that thats not the only important thing in this world.
LoStLoOkInFoRu: I don't know what the hell Adam did.... All I know is my heart was torn to peices, I was upset, anyone who was around at that time knows I was.... I felt like I was dying inside, my life felt meaningless, days just drifted past me like nothing, time was nothing. And then one night.. One night.. Everything crashed on me and the moment I thought I was going to burst I had an arm around me asking if I was alright and what was wrong.. For the past few weeks I kept everything to myself, and I ended up spilling my heartache to him in a few minutes..
disintergrationx: its good.
LoStLoOkInFoRu: Without warning suddenly it was like he was picking up the peices and I had no idea what to do....
disintergrationx: good to have someone to talk to.
disintergrationx: I'm just glad that...you dont look...like you did when you came back from nevada.
disintergrationx: because...do you remember when i cried in web design cuz i heard a song that reminded me of jeremy? and you felt bad..
disintergrationx: you looked...just like i felt...
disintergrationx: and i was so scared..to do or say anything...because to this day i don't know how to fix that feeling.
disintergrationx: and i felt so bad...
disintergrationx: so im glad at least someone...someone good like adam...can be there for you.
LoStLoOkInFoRu: and Being with him makes me happy. Even when I think about what happened between Pete & I, I can't say I regret it anymore because as much as I love/loved Pete, I don't think i would've lasted much longer with that feeling, I forced myself everyday to wake up, to ignore the pain, I almost started cutting again. honest to god. I almost started because thats all I could remember doing to fix it..but I couldn't do it.. something stopped me.. I feel bad that it looks like I dropped Pete like a bad habit, but I'm happy.. and I wish he could be too
disintergrationx: he will be ange...this might sound liek a total douche bag thing for me to say.
disintergrationx: but...i agree with you, i didnt think you guys would last.
I don't want to be labled a bad person because of how quickly I got over Peter. I don't. But I'm happy. Happier than I was before, and this is only after a few days.
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| Mmh |
[Saturday
January 20th At 1:06PM] |
Things are getting better.
Much better.
The Hayloft concert was so much better than I thought it would be
TNR should've won, they were 100x better than those stupid emo bitches!
Kaos was good too. 11 year old drummers are awesome.
Spent the night at Kasey's Grandmas with Kasey & Amy
Long Night.
Very fun though.
The next day was pretty fun.
Stopped at Amanda's for a while
Relaxed for a bit
Went to Amy's for Manga
Came back here to my house
Watched Ju-On 1
While talking to Adam on the phone.
Funny stuff.
Exams were alright.
Wed. Adam came over after school
Amy walked over here
We saw Timmy as we went to meet up with Amy
Walked back here & watched Idle Hands
Half way through we went to get Pizza
It was VERY cold
Then Donimic brough Josh over
We chilled, and made him watch Idle Hands
Kasey came over after she got out of school
We watched the rest of Idle Hands (Donimic left before Kasey got there)
Then watched Ju-On 2
Fun stuff.
Lots of cuddling =)
Took Adam home around like seven or eight
Scott showed up as we were leaving to take Adam home
When we came back from dropping him off we chilled in Kaseys car
Came in & watched some T.V
Everyone left around 10
Last night was amazing.
Amy picked me up & we went to see Fraser Idol 2
We sat with Adam & Josh
Amiee Murdoch sang Break Away
I didn't like it.. I complained alot.
Mr. Graz sang "You Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog" by Elvis
It was funny
Mr. Soch sang "Lithium" by Nirvana..
He sounds just like Kurt! lol
Diane Moeller has this amazing voice
I swear to god she gave me goosebumps repeated
Joel was good
Erica Strahan (I dunno her) Was alright,
but I didn't know the song to know how well she sang it
Dan Brown was freaking Amazing.
He sang Through The Glass better than Corey Taylor does.
Amy & I were just like "OMFG!!"
I sat there with my hands over my mouth in shock.
It was amazing. Dear god.
Crystal Lapain sang Bring Me To Life
Made me wanna cry because it hurt my ears so Amy & left
Nick wasn't AS good as last year sadly.
But good none the less
We had a lil break while it was voting time
The finalist were Erica Strahan & Robert Sewell
Erica Sang "Like We Never Loved At All"
And I was freaking out.
I had a grip on Adam's Leg like a death grip
She sang it better than Faith Hill (Which is VERY hard to do)
Roberts song was sooooooooooo long and idk what it was but UGH
It was good
They couldn't decide
So they both won
Afterwards Amy & I were gonna go to Adam's
But Dan called and we all went to Big Boy
It was like 10 or 11
There were 9 of us
Three booths
Dan's mom & dad, Dan, Eric, Paul, Josh, Amy, Adam & Me
Everyone ate (well, I didn't, I wasn't hungry)
Then we left, everyone piled into Eric's Car
Drove Adam home *It was Midnight*
Then drove me home
Ugh.
Amazing night.
Who ever didn't go to Fraser Idol, you missed out big time
It was soooo good.
I can't wait untill the DVD comes out.
=)
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| I Gotta Whipser Cause I Can't Be Too Loud.... |
[Saturday
January 13th At 3:37PM] |
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mood |
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music |
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Christina Aguilera-Hurt |
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The days are going by quickly now..
I start forgeting where in the week I am so I started marking off the calander as a reminder.
Yesterday was kinda rough.
First time in the entire time I've known him, I saw him keep a frown the entire time I was near him.
I felt useless. I felt like I was the worst friend ever.
Only because I couldn't make him even smile which is one of the easiest things to do with Adam.
He used to double over laughing at phrase "Oral Fixation". *sighs*
Whatever.
I realized who I was forgetting in the mornings..It was Ally. I don't really see her much..
I kissed her cheek on thursday..
I smiled when she was talking to everyone on Friday.
I know I had nothing to do with that, but I felt better that I finally acknowledge that she was around.
Got life is getting too insane.
It feels like standing in the middle of a tornado.
Where I am standing is calm but everything around me is whizzing by
Going down a very destructive path....
I couldn't sleep last night
Which was odd.
I've been in this routine for a week or so now
Go Upstairs, Change, Settle into bed, Read my book for a little bit, turn off the light, Call Pete for a few minutes, go to bed.
(The past few days its been call Pete THEN read because I had to bring the cellphone back downstairs)
Last night...weird..
We went to the twins game, came home, I started playin sims, kinda ate dinner, went back to the sims, then suddenly it was 11 P.M
I got on the computer for a while, chatted and whatever went to leave and got sucked into the web that is myspace.
Around like midnight maybe 1ish I called Pete to talk to him...Then went up stairs to read..
For some reason that I do not know, I borrowed Cut from Mrs. Perhogan to read
I haven't read that book in .. Gosh, I don't know, three years maybe?
I don't know.
I'm 102 pages in and I start crying..
Not just a few tears down my face like I do when I yawn..but not bawling to the point where I can't breathe
I just started crying.
I had to put the book down and curl up in a ball for a few minutes to try to relax
It wasn't working too well so I came down stairs and got back on the computer....
Pete logged on , or he was on or something, It was 3 AM here. We chatted a bit
I wrote a message to Sam on Greatest Journal.
I don't know why I did.
It just seemed appropriate, I guess.
"My Seminar teacher bought Cut as a book for the classroom.
I suppose it was stupidity and curiosity that drove me to borrow it.
*sighs*
I read that book and all I can think of is you..
Our habits
The character "Amanda" reminds me of you.
The old you.
The one that became a part of me.
I don't know if it was the book
or if it was the memories
or my stress and personal bullshit catching up
or the fact that it is raining
but I cried.
And for the first time in a long, long time, I missed us.
Way back then.
Shit seemed so hard that we did that..
But It was more the rush wasn't it?
The release?
Not the suicidal part..
Not the pain of having something sharp tear your skin?
I don't know."
It wasn't a bad comment.. Wasn't the best one either..
I ended up going to bed around 5 A.M..... I woke up at 10 something..
I don't know why I use this thing anymore.
No one reads it.
No I don't want your Goddamn comments saying you do read it.
Because they will be bullshit.
Complete and utter bullshit
Because if you can read the shit that I write
And still not even TRY to talk to me, then you're not a friend.
You're a stranger..
I don't want strangers.
I don't even think I want to be around people anymore.
No one should ever deal with shit like this.
Sitting at home everything remembering all these small details of events that happend years ago
Things that made them happy
Things that were fun.
No. That is torture on a person's heart.
On their sould. Their entire being.
I hate myself because I'm detached from people.
I talk and try to be normal but it's hard.
What the hell is normal for me?
Smiling makes my face hurt.
But Sadness makes people worried or upset or mad
and that hurts my heart more than the smiling hurts.
I would rather wear a mask with a fake smile, than have my heartache
because I know people are only listening because I'm Sad.
I feel bad for Pete.
I pushed him away.
Pretty far away.
He went from being top priority in my life
To being pushed back with everyone else.
That's like being one of the Gods then becomming a peasent mortal.
God I'm such a horrible person.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I don't know what is going to happen.
I feel like I lost control of my life.
Somewhere between my trip to Nevada and present day.
God I wish I had a cigarette.
I feel like an ass for not having my ID anymore.
Atleast then I could've started saving $$ to get a pack of cigarettes when need be.
Eh. I lied. I probably wouldn't buy a pack.
Too afraid of Mom and Dad being disappointed.
*sighs*
It's so confusing.
I want something.
I don't know what it is.
God, I miss cuddling.
I miss having someone hug me and it means something.
The way Pete hugs me, Jake, Henri, Drew, Alexander, Jeremy W (used to).
Like I'm more than fleshy balloon with arms..
No. Like I mean something to them, Like I am his girlfriend, sister, best friend or friend.
Like how Amy used to hug me when we were "Ginger & Brigitte"
When we were best friends.
God I miss having that.
I miss having friends.
Real Friends.
People who care.
People who don't disappear
People who wouldn't abandon me at my weakest moment
When I am ready to snap in two or curl up in a ball and wait for the bugs to eat my decaying body.
I miss having somebody care enough to noticed I'm lying when I say "okay"
Who can look me in the eyes and know that there is something wrong
Even even though they ask, they know some how
Like they're reading my mind.
Yes. That was always amazing.
*sighs*
Another thing in this world I realized I took for granted and is now gone.
I really do suck at this thing they call life.
It's a pathetic attempt so far.
Blah.
I don't know.
This stupid thing is so long I dont even know what the topic is anymore.
Whatever..
"Oh, I'm sorry for
Blaming you
For everything
I just couldnt do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside
But I won't admit
Sometimes I just to hide
Cuz its you I miss...."
Tomorrow I am suppose to be going to this Battle of The Bands thing at the Hayloft for The New Rebellion
I am excited.
But I am scared.
Alot of people.
Alot of them I don't know
And the ones I do know I probably won't really talk to because I'm scared
I don't honestly know anybody anymore.
This scares me.
|
|
| Yesh, I edited it, I was too tired to think of anything last time.. lol sorry |
[Thursday
January 11th At 6:10AM] |
Amy gave me a F.
so i guess i now list ten things i like that begin with the letter F
then you comment me and i give you a letter too :)
1. French kiss
2. Fall Out Boy
3. Fangs
4. Fairies
5. Fuck (The word in general)
6. Frank the Rabbit from Donnie Darko
7. Fags (yes, as in gay people, I like people)
8. Forensics
9. From Autumn To Ashes
10. Finch
Rofl that was a little bit harder than I thought it would be lol.
|
|
| Darkness.... |
[Saturday
January 6th At 12:17AM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thoughtful |
] |
I realized lately I kinda hate who I am....
I hate my personality....
I don't know why I do though.
I guess I miss being that person everyone atleast cared about
or people when to when they were down
Now, it's like I'm the last resort for that kinda thing....
I know everyone else is sick of me
and I don't blame them.
*shrugs*
I guess I kinda miss having people actually want to see me..
Everyone is always busy
I miss out on pretty much everything
I hate it.
I doubt I am going to the New Rebellion show
I don't think we have the money for it...
It's sad..
My parents are talking about moving into this house
right across the street from Ian
and I will probably spend even less time around him.
Gah.
I'm scared.
I'm scared to death I might be pregnant.
Stupidity.
Something in my mind keeps saying "no you're not, there's no way"
but I dunno.
and I won't know for a while.
grah.
As of late I've think I've talked to Pete, Jeremy, Ian & Tom the most out of all of my "friends"
If that's even what I have anymore
It all just seems like strangers
aquaintences.. i dunno
people I barely know and barely know me.
Well, they barely know me because I won't let them know me.
I think I just want to let this whole notion of friendship go.
I don't see the point in friends anymore.
So far all it's done is made me feel like I am nothing
I can't do anything to help anybody anymore
(in the rare case that they come to me for help)
I don't want to really see anybody
and the people I do want to see are either
A) busy with something else
or
B) I know they won't be able to so I don't even ask.
It's just.. frustrating.
I just...... I don' t know.
I really, truely, do not know.
I just want to be Ange again. For some reason, I can't be. Nobody seems to even notice that I am dying inside more and more each day. *shrugs* Maybe I just got better at hiding it. Even Peter hasn't been noticing. Adam sort of did today, but I blew off that whole situation I guess.
Who's going to catch me when I fall this time? Henri or Jake used to be my safety net along with Scott and Eric, but I don't have any of them anymore. What to do I do now?
Plunging into darkness is one of the scariest feelings ever and right now that's where I am.
I don't want pity, bullshit comments, so don't even bother posting them.
|
|
| It's Been A While.. |
[Sunday
December 31st At 3:50PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Lost |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Rascal.Flatts//My.Wish/Broken.Road |
] |
Pretty much everyone knows I went to Nevada for a week.
I only lasted a week because I missed my family.
I kind of wish I stayed
I already miss them
I miss Peter.
It's so...weird.
I don't make any sense.
I broke things off so that I could have time.
Time for me.
Time to focus on school.
Time to spend with people.
But, I'm not in school right now.
I am at home.
And all I ever do is sit around the house.
I mope.
I cry every time I get the chance to think
I hate it.
I've gained quite a bit of weight.
I hate myself for it.
So, that adds to my anti-socialness
I don't want to see people because I don't want them to see me.
I hate being fat.
and I swear, if anyone comments saying "Ange you're not fat"
I'm going to fucking scream.
I have gained weight.
To me, this is fat.
You may not be able to tell
or you may even ignore it so you can't tell
but I can.
I can tell.
My parents seem disappointed
Because I don't do anything....
I sit around the house
I sit on the computer
I watch T.V
Or I read one of my books
They keep asking me why..
Why haven't people been calling me like crazy?
Why haven't a million people came to see me?
Jeremy is the only person who has stopped by
And it was for five minutes (I'm not complaining..those five minutes were..awkward for me)
I guess.. It's because I'm not ready
I'm not ready to face people
I hate myself.
I hate my body.
I am self concious to a point where I don't want to see anyone
I am avoiding people.
But whatever..
It's not that big of a deal.
I can deal with it myself.
I'm just in this phase where I don't know what I want.
I want to forget how empty I feel
I want to forget the void in my chest where my heart used to be
I want to forget the feeling of nausea every time I eat
I want to forget everything.. I just want to be back to normal.
I want to be Ange. I want to be the person that is in the background.
The girl everyone knows, and everyone talks to, but has no reason to worry
because everything is okay.
I want things to stay that way.
I don't want worry.
I don't want to be spotlighted.
*sighs*
We were discussing Prom last night.
Now he's afraid of staying at the house
Because of my parents.
I don't want him to feel that way.
I don't want things to be awkward.
I just want him to be Pete.
I know I hurt him, and I'm lucky he's still around..
But I don't want things to be different.
I love him.
I love him so much.
I don't know.
It's so confusing.
I'm stopping myself from drinking pop.
I'm going through withdrawl right now
horrid headache. ugh.
It sucks. But I can do it.
I have to. Beacuse I am vain.
I hate being fat. Chubby. Whatever.
I hate feeling ugly.
I hate feeling so different from my friends.
Everyone is so much smaller.
They all weigh like 100-160 lbs
I look like a fucking marshmellow amongst twigs.
Grrrrr.
Blah.
Tonight is New Year's..
Yipee..*rolls eyes*
I realized yet again this time
I won't get to do the whole "New Year's Kiss" thing.
I give up.
I just want to lose weight
Pass high school
and have some fun along the way
Why does that seem like it's going to be so hard to do?
Is it really that unrealistic?
Ugh.
I don't know..
I'm done..
|
|
| What Every Kiss Means<3 |
[Wednesday
November 29th At 11:38AM] |
~Kiss on the stomach = Im ready
~Kiss on the Forehead ="i hope we're together forever"
~Kiss on the Ear = Your my everything
~Kiss on the Cheek = "We're friends"
~Kiss on the Hand = "I adore you"
~Kiss on the Neck = "we belong together"
~Kiss on the Shoulder = "I want you"
~Kiss on the Lips = I like you"
What the gesture means...
~Holding Hands = "we definitely like each other"
~Slap on the Butt = "That's mine"
~Holding on tight = "i don't want to let go"
~Looking into each other's Eyes = "i just plain like you"
~Playing with Hair = "Tell me you love me"
~Arms around the Waist = "I like you too much to let go"
~Laughing while Kissing = "I am completely comfortable with you"
--Advice--
Dont ask for a kiss, take one.
If you were thinking about someone while reading this,
you're definitely in Love.
--Requirements--
Post this again after reading!!
Or you will have a bad year of Relationships.
If you LIKE, LOVE, OR MISS someone right now
and can't get them out of your head
then Re-post this within One Minute and Whoever you are
missing will surprise you.
Repost this as "what every kiss means''
|
|
|
[Tuesday
November 28th At 11:42PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
I cried today....
For the first time in a long, long time..
Lately, everybody, and I do mean everybody, has been asking me about Amy..
And I miss her.. Alot.
I can't got through school without thinking of some sort of memory of something fun we did or said..
And it just seems like the one moment, the one minute I don't have her on my mind someone askes about her, or says something about her..
And ofcourse there's those daily reminders..
was in toys-r-us the other day..
it said something about the elementry school she went to *atleast I think it was, or it was like a close name*
I keep seeing these girls and when I first see them, They look like Amy, something about them makes them look like her, then when I look at them again, they look nothing like her..
Today Zach said "I think I saw Amy at your school today" ((they were at the school for rehersals or w/e))
In Environmental science I opened my book and it said "Amy Davis" in it and I was like WTF?!?!
So I got a pass, got one foot in the hall before I start fuckin' crying my eyes out..
Then Tom kept asking what was wrong and I kept saying nothing
He kinda yelled at me that I always say he's one of my closest friends and I always shut him out..
I told him its not just him
and I started crying again..
He seemed alittle freaked after that..idk...
Muschong didn't make me go to my seat, I think he knew something was up....
Or maybe he was just being nice.. Who knows??
Blah.
|
|
|
[Tuesday
November 28th At 11:58AM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 rushed |
] |
Today The Twins offically turned 11 years old c(=
Hey, Anyone who knows them or whatever, be nice, be cute, whatever, call them, or me & tell me or them happy birthday
God knows they love you guys about as much as they love me.. lol
<3
|
|
|
[Saturday
November 18th At 11:28PM] |
Mom and dad went to the viewing last night
They came home and said that they had seen Alex there
I freaked out, I had tears in my eyes, I swear.
I miss him so much. ugh.
My mom was like "Ugh, Ange, he was so polite."
It was cute.. She had a grin on her face..
I literally had tears in my eyes though dude.
It was kinda funny.
I wrote him a note and she said she'll give it to him at the funeral today..
Things have been alright lately..
Peter was laid off for a day..
Then was employed by the Hotel instead of the bar
but he's still workin in the bar..
The asshole running the bar has him working his ass off
Fucker.
I can't wait to go see him..
We probably aren't going to go Montana, though.
I don't mind though, I just want to see him..
Alex gave mom a hug for me, heh.
Things with school are alright
I made honor roll
I'm pretty proud of that
Thanksgiving is comming up soon
so is the Twin's birthday & so is Alex's
I worry about Adam alot..
I'm gettin' better at not being so vocal about it..
Things with him are gettin better though
Him & Steph are..eh.. They're cute..
Amila.."WOOSH!" rofl.
It was cute though yesterday I gave him a giant hug to say bye
and I was like "ah, I luv you, Adam" and he definately caught me off gaurd with "I luv ya too, Ange" haha
OH! Muschong kept staring at me in the hall!
I was freakin out
so I damn near knocked Adam over huggin' him
then I told him why I freaked and he stood between me & muschong so he couldnt see me.. hah
Then the fucker called me short (adam).
I tried to give blood
but nooooo
fags..
okay
Imma go lay back down
|
|
|
[Sunday
November 12th At 8:45PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Stone.Sour//Through.The.Glass |
] |
Things have been alright I guess..
It's like something clicked in my head or maybe it was everyone elses?
The last few days of school were okay when it came to like Adam & Tom & What not..
Or atleast, I think they were? I dunno..
Sometimes I have this numbing sense of emptiness that seems to just hallow me out..
I hate that feeling..
I feel whole when I'm with people
or when I'm talking to Pete..
Going to confrences were okay I suppose
My mom and I got into a little bit of an argument about it because she was mad that I didn't finish the kitchen or something, then I got pissed off and started crying because she has no fucking problem going to the twins confrences, or concerts or whatever other stupid school shit they have, but when I was in school I missed almost every concert I had, or I had to have my dad come to confrences late because Mom couldn't or wouldn't. So she was pissy with me and just rawr. I cried the whole way there, and finally stoped as we were getting out of the car.. Get the stupid thing.. Six A's Two B's. "B Honor Roll" once again. She perked right up when she knew we were getting another one of those goddamn bumper stickers. She doesn't even have hers on the van, she has it inside sittin on the dashboard. Then we got info about my Class ring & Senior wear & what not.. got some Taco Bell then came came home & watched CSI
I was hoping I was going to have a better year this year when it came to people passing away but apparently I was way off...
R.I.P Robert Cady II
I think 52 years old is still too young to die.
Gawd. There were so many complications with that..
I don't even know if the story have I know is 100% true, cuz so much stuff happend..
I feel bad for the family though..
Sammy is taking it soooo hard, I think he was kinda close with Bob.. I mean, shit, Bob was practically Sam's father-in-law..
We ended up going to Kohls over by Lakeside and buying the twins and I some new shoes.. I got a pair of NSS' (my Canvas pair) and a pair of Converse (my leather pair for winter time) they're cool.. I love how my dad has accepted the fact that I won't wear girl shoes.. I always pick out guy shoes.. haha
My family is offically addicted to the Sims 2.. heh..
and.. Yeah..
I still miss Jeremy, I wanna write to him, but I don't have stamps or anything to be able to send it, so worse comes to worse when I do get stamps he's going to get a novel of a note from me =D
I started writing in a note book..Ironically its a the five subject Scott gave me when we went to Cedar Point this year....
I finally talked to Eric.. Dude, I've missed him, so much. I really miss hangin out with the WEEZYS! lol.. I miss meijering.. I haven't done that in like a year now.. It's kinda depressing. =(
Wednesday Big Rob Drove me home from school.. HE HAS A PURPLE TRUCK!! hehe.. He picked me up so we could discuss when I'm going to Nevada cuz he might be comming with me.. That will be fun because neither of us have ever been on a plane before, lol. Go us!
I started hardcore listening to country music again, woo hoo? I dunno
yeah... my fingers are frozen now, I'm gonna go relax or something cuz I'm kinda tired
|
|
| LOOOONG RANT |
[Wednesday
November 8th At 1:50AM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Random Country Music |
] |
I don't know why I'm so emo.
Stress perhaps?
Uncle Bo & his surgery & what not
Dad bein' in the hospital with the blood clots in his leg
Mitzi was put down today, so I can only imagine how they're dealing with that
I'm worried about Scott
I'm worried about Rachael
I miss my boyfriend already....
I dunno..
I feel so disconnected from people lately
Where I usually felt like I was helping/helpful, now I feel awkward and useless..
When Scott came over & fell asleep, I used to feel relieved because he was sleeping because I knew he was at least a little bit relaxed and his mind was slightly at ease, last night I felt completely useless, like I was just in the way of him being comfortable or something..
I stopped being all clingy with Adam ever since him & Stephanie started dating.. I quit writing him, I quit callin' him, I quit doin' the static cling thing, hell I quit huggin' him so much, I barely hug him at all..
Today we went to "Food For Thought" or whatever the school resturant and I felt so awkward sitting there with him.. I don't understand it..I used to feel so close to him, like I could tell him anything and everything.... Now I look at him like he's a complete stranger..
I feel weird just hugging him.. Then again lately I feel weird hugging Tom & Ian and anybody else for that matter.. I just get this feeling that it is some habitual thing, that we aren't hugging because we're glad to see eachother anymore, but because that is what we are used to doing when we see eachother. I mean, I'm so used to hugging people hello & goodbye I think I hugged Dallas when he was at the school.. I think I did, I could be wrong, I may have just hugged Brent. *shrugs*
I don't know. I feel so empty and lonely at school.... I love that my friends are all happy, but I hate watching the couples be together.. When there was like one maybe two couples in the group it was okay, but now theres like 39402940328904089242 and EVERYONE is like paired off.. I feel so lost in it because I just stand there.. I don't even hug goodbye, I don't think I even SAY goodbye..I stand there lookin like a pumpkin in a rose garden then just walk off to class to avoid feeling like I'm interupting anyones together time. I mean, most everyone will say one or two things to me, but it's just nawt the same.. I dunno, I suppose it's just my hate for things changing that makes it seem this way *shrugs*....
I miss Jeremy already.. Today was just one of those days, I just wanna talk to him, to rant to him because I know he'll listen and he'll have something to say whether it be advice or something to make me smile or laugh.. He's a pro at making me smile or laugh.. I just miss having someone to talk to about anything and everything. I suppose I figured that was what Adam would be there for but again I am wrong.. That's sort of my fault though, I knew I was depending way too much on him and eventually he would have a girlfriend and things would change..
Outside of him comming over yesterday I really don't see nor talk to Scott all that much.. I haven't seen Eric since the day we went to the mall to get my Fairy Wings and I haven't talked to him since then. I don't really talk to J.D anymore. Amila & I seem to have drifted pretty far apart. Tom & I kinda talk, we just bullshit for the most part. Amanda's life revolves around Mike, anything said or done brings up something about Mike, I'm glad she's happy, I really am, I suppose I just don't like hearing about him every time we talk?? idk.. Kasey & I really don't talk much, we do when the Henkels around, fuck dude, she's my best friend at that point, but then they leave and we're strangers or something, I don't know.
Hmm.
I almost freaked out while in the resturant with Adam. I was freaked about having so many people around me that I didn't know. It wasn't a very pretty sight.. Me walkin' down the hall, haha, I almost cried, no joke.
But, when we were sittin' there in awkward silence I realized how much I miss having Amy in school. If Amy was there I would've felt safe and despite my sore, tired, stressed out, moodiness she would've had me in a good mood with a million topics to talk about.. It makes me sad when I think about it. Amy is the last real best friend I had, and I can't see anybody ever really being able to replace her. Mainly because A. She's Amy. B. She's 1 in a Million. C.I don't think I'll ever be able to trust & let in anyone like I did her. I guess after all the shit was said and done we bonded better after the shit with Henri went down.. As much as I hate that any of that happend, I don't regret her & I talking again..But it's like impossible to talk to her anymore.. I mean she's either busy, working or with Eash, and don't get me wrong I love Eash and all, but Amy is one of those people I like to talk to when no one else is around because we're so loud & obnoxious most of the time. I dunno..
I keep hoping & praying my plans with Pete will work out. I'm trying so hard to just keep my head up and not let all this "seeing couples together" shit bother me. Anchor or no anchor dragging down my heart, I gotta stick through this because I want to be with him, I don't wanna ruin this relationship and I love him, so much. We passed our last marker, from when I stupidly broke up with him, and I'm so happy about it. It's weird to me. I honestly have never been in a relationship this long.
I have a Top 24 on myspace.. Out of all of those people there is honestly only one person I talk to and he's my number one. John Peter.
I dunno. I guess last year was my last actual really good year of school. I mean Amy & I were best friends, and I had friends, I actually friends and I didn't even know wtf to do with them lol. I mean people I actually talked to last year: Amy, Scott, Eric, Jessy, Tom, Adam, Eash, Ally, Rachael, Ian, Bobbi, Bobby, Gery, Dominic, Todd, Timmy, Stephanie N., Kasey, Henri, Pete, Jake, Drew, Amanda, Amila, Jeremy, Lil Ryan, Lexi, Andy, Ashley B, Gay Zacc, Brett, Eddie, Paul, Stacey, Shawna, Rene, Lauren, Jelly, Kiwi, Steve, Blake, Greg, Trish, Bob, Big Rob, BUS 35 in general lol!, Alex, and god knows who I'm forgetting..
Just. It was better last year. I dunno.
I'm done ranting, sorry ya'll..
<3
|
|
|
[Tuesday
November 7th At 4:53AM] |
Things lately have been alright..
Gawt to see my baby for five days, missed three days of school
s'all good though, I'm pretty sure I'm caught up now
Adam & Stephanie Besko are dating, total cuteness
everytime I see them kiss or cuddle or something I smile & giggle cuz they're so damn cute
I've been kinda emo lately
I've cried quite a bit the past few weeks, it was kinda startin' to worry me
Muschong is startin to drive me nuts, he likes to single me out in class, most of the time he's joking but sometimes I think he's trying to hard to be cute or funny and other times I think hes flirting and its creepy.very creepy.
Pete & I Have been doin pretty well
I go down there the 21st or 22nd, which ever is best for him..
idk..
Kaseys halloween party was a hit..
Pete finally got to meet Dallas & Brent..
Went over a bit better than I thought it would
I thought Pete was gonna go gay on me and like molest Dallas.. lol
Best part of the WHOLE night was sittin in the garage with Kasey, Scott, Josh, Pete, Dallas & Brent and just talkin' and what not.
I like it better then the party is smaller and there isn't alot of stupid shit that can happen. lol.
and.. yeah..
thats about it..
Gonna go to bed..
|
|
|
[Monday
October 9th At 2:31AM] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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My Baby's Sexxy Voice<3 |
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Yeah
So I realized
People need to figure out what the hell they want and stick to that because this constant back and forth shit is stressing me out.
You guys know I love you
You know I care about you
You know I worry about you
You're stressin me out though lol.
I'm excited
My baby will be here soon
19 days
Went to the camper today
had to close it down & what
Today was My Nanas birthday R.I.P
I was up till like 5 A.M talkin' to Adam lol..
It was fun c(=
mmmh
Here's a couple of songs that makes me think of some people...
"How Long"
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
How long till this goes away
I try to remember to forget you
But I break down every time I do
It's left me less than zero
Beat down and bruised
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
I can't seem to get my heart over you
Cause you creep into everything I do
And now I'm dying to know
How he touches you
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
How long till this goes away
She said she wants to be friends
I took a big step back
She said
She said
She said she's sorry
With one finger
I said fuck that
I can tell you're lying when your lips move
Cause of one lie it's not me it's you
It's left me less than zero
Beat down and bruised
I can't see him with you
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
Why'd you go and break what's already broken
I try to take a breath but I'm already choking
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him
How long till this goes away
How long till this goes away
She said she wants to be friends
I took a big step back
She said
She said
She said she's sorry
With one finger
With one finger
I said fuck that
"Bliss (I Don't Wanna Know)"
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
I'll go ahead and pour myself a drink
I really couldn't care less what you think
Well I don't have to listen now
Live this day down
If I can't feel a thing
You might as well save your goodbyes
We can give this train wreck one last ride
I'm gonna have to listen now
Live this day down
If I don't make things right
I'll tell you one last time
I don't wanna know it's over
So save your goodbye kiss
I don't wanna know it's over
Cause ignorance is bliss
I can hardly see
What's in front of me
Cause the vodka's running on empty
I can't stay sober
If it's over
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
So save your goodbye kiss
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
I woke up with a heartbeat in my head
I reached for the bottle by the bed
I saw your side was not slept in
Cold sheets again
Remind me of what you said
We need to take a break for a while
It's been so long since I smiled
I don't wanna listen now
Live this day down
With you so drunk and high
So I'll say goodbye
I don't wanna know it's over
So save your goodbye kiss
I don't want to know it's over
Cause ignorance is bliss
I can hardly see
What's in front of me
Cause the vodka's running on empty
I can't stay sober
If it's over
I don't wanna know it's over
So save your goodbye kiss
I don't wanna know it's over
Cause ignorance is bliss
Now I know I can't stay sober
Cause you left me here like this
I don't wanna know
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
So save your goodbye kiss
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
(I don't wanna know)
Cause ignorance is bliss
I can hardly see
What's in front of me
Cause the vodka's running on empty
I can't stay sober
If it's over
If it's over
I don't wanna know
If it's over
If it's over
I don't wanna know
"Nothin' Good About Goodbye"
I rolled up my sleeves today
Cause I thought that this was over
But then you called to say
You forgot that broach of your mother's
Every time I try to cut the cord
You come crawling back with some excuse
You forgot something
There's nothing good about goodbye
I could swear I saw you cry
I always knew you'd wind up falling harder
There's nothing good about goodbye
Just say goodbye
I rolled up my sleeves today
Cause I thought that this had ended
But then you called again
To tell me how you're gonna blow my best friend
And every time I try to cut the cord
You come crawling back with some excuse
You forgot something
There's nothing good about goodbye
I can swear I saw you cry
I always knew you'd wind up falling harder
Falling harder
Every story has two sides
In the he-said-she-said fight
Always knew you'd wind up falling
Falling harder
There's nothing good about goodbye
Just say goodbye
Falling, falling out of
you're falling apart
Falling, falling out of
you're falling apart
Falling, falling out of
you're falling apart
Falling, falling out of
you're falling apart
There's nothing good about goodbye
I can swear I saw you cry
I always knew you'd wind up falling
Falling out of
Every story has two sides
in the he-said-she-said fight
She'll always end up falling
Falling out of
♥♥
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